I have always written this year-end post since the time I started blogging more than 6 years ago. But for the last 4 years when life brought me to the point when nothing made any sense anymore like so many other rituals and habits this year-end post got lost somewhere in grief and fog which came with it.
This year again till the last month I never thought I would be writing this post had I not met a friend who was living with some major regrets (hopefully I will be able to share once it’s easier to write or hurt less). Let’s just say, I realized that while the loss can never be replaced, we learn to live with the bittersweet memories of life.
Every grief journey reaches a point when you start to believe in life again and you know it’s time to move forward while embracing your past along. I guess that’s when they say healing starts. Healing does not necessarily mean that you forget the pain. But you just learn to embrace it, learn to live with it. The pain subsides sometimes, and sometimes you feel happy for the new things happening in your life, you feel guilty for that sometimes but I guess this is ‘New Normal’ of every grieving person/family.
After losing our beloved daughter Agreya in the February of 2014 we as a family are taking our time to adjust our lives to this new normal. While so many people stood with me during the most difficult time of our life when I wrote posts about it and started talking about it on blog till my web management company realized that most searched phrase about me on google was “Rekha Kakkar’s daughter” which was driving traffic on my blog. Shocked and almost numb, I instinctively hid those posts (again republished today but without photos) because I never felt more vulnerable in my life than that period. From that time onwards I hardly talked about it on public forums. But this past year I met few people who once again resorted my faith in the goodness of human life and humanity in general.
I realized that despite voyeuristic nature of humans may raise its ugly head time to time there are some people who will understand you, support you and stand by you because the innate goodness of heart and thankfully I met more of these kind-hearted people online and in real life than the opposites. Because of the innate goodness of these people, my mind has started to consider another possibility that maybe people were searching about this because they care for me and they were curious how I was doing so they can extend support.
There are always few things in our life for which we can be grateful if we choose to. Here are few things that I am grateful for :
The roof over our heads, the food we sleep with in our stomach, and the clothes to keep us warm among other things. As Marlan Rico Lee says “things that you take for granted someone else is praying for”. There are people who are in worse situation than you.
Friends and Family
For the close circle who stood by us. The fact that a loving circle to friends and family who formed a protective ring around us and always loved us no matter what. I know sometimes it is not easy to be around grieving people but they stuck and I like to believe because of their love for us, so I am thankful for this power of love. Those of you are from blogger's universe and have been supporting me since that time, i can't thank you enough! You are my real heros.
I am grateful for the support group I have.
I am grateful that in my worst time I had the support of other mothers who were in similar situations. I don’t know you are aware or not Seema of Indian Homemaker (https://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/) started this group for mothers who are trying to come to terms with life after child loss. She connected and though everyone was undergoing their own struggles they supported me with mine. You can read about the support group here
I am grateful for my readers and viewers
I write and they read. Writing has been my window to the world and it played a great part in my journey and what looks like a little bit of healing. I am so grateful to all of you who stood by me and gave their honest feedback, good or bad. It helps me to evolve as a blogger/ writer and thought of sharing something new always keeps me excited to learn something new. Seeing the exchanges between readers their families and friends and planning their next recipe to cook on my food videos is such a joyous thing to read. I feel somehow I have become a very tiny part of their lives which is a great honour for me.
Thank you so much for all your messages of encouraging me to share my personal post because they wanted to know 'real me' beyond my food and professional personality.
Things that I learned this year.
Most of us strive to be fearless, but this year I accepted It’s okay to be fearful because in my quest to be fearless I started to face my fears. Fears are our opportunity for growth. So it is okay to have your fears and face them.
You define who you are. There will always be people who do not like you, or, even hate you, but that’s okay. Because there can be the far greater number of people who will love you for what you are. And thank God for that. The love I received this year from the people is tremendous and I am extremely honoured to receive all that came my way.
Displaying your emotions is okay
As I mentioned previously I completely closed myself and my personal life off, from world till a few months ago, fearing someone who might take advantage of my vulnerable stage as it happened once upon a time. But making a concrete effort to conquer my fears and thanks to the online friends I made on Instagram (you know who you are ) I am opening up once again. I am writing this post is a proof in itself. Once upon a time, I thought I will never be able to talk about it but here I am writing this post and believe me it’s been a very long journey to come to this stage.
Be your own cheerleader and think positive
Last but not the least be your own source of motivation. It is very easy to feel bad by things like the rude behavior of people, comparisons, competitions and hurtful comments, especially when you expose yourself to people on the internet. But it is important to know your self-worth and your own stand when moments of self-doubt strikes.
I am not talking about bragging boasting any such things, but self-appreciation and recognizing how far you have come is something that I have definitely started thinking now. Here’s a beautiful article in HuffPost if you want to read more about being your own cheerleader
my heartfelt thanks to these 55% who encouraged me to open up a little but rest 45% also wont be disappointed as this is what 2018 will be made up of. I will share work related post tomorrow. Wish you all and your loved ones a very happy 2018 May your life is filled with health, happiness, joy and prosperity and your hearts with kindness. Love you all!
I think two most important things I embraced this year can be summed up in these two quotes
- Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle of their own ~ Maclaren
- Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were ~ Unknown