In my last blog I wrote that I am always keeping her smiling face alive in my memories and share those happy memories with the people who love me. I thought that I was able to cope better, that I was not crying whole day meant I am able to handle my grief, until next day when it all came back, it was all same raw pain, floods of emotions and whole lot of memories but after sometime I felt a sense of peace around me. It is strange one minute you are crying and in short time you smile again.
Smile at the good time you have spent together, good laughs you have shared and happy memories you have created together. Every time when these weak moments strike, I remember the strength she always displayed and make a promise to her once again that I will keep her memories alive and I will keep that smile alive.
If I say I just kept sitting and grieving it may not be a complete truth, I started working again {wanted to keep myself busy as far as possible}, completed three shoots in past few weeks, I was hurting within but keeping myself distracted and interacting with people who did not know her and hence did not discuss about it helped {yes, strange}. It is not that I do not want to talk about her or talking about her brings back the pain , on the contrary it gives me peace but mostly with the people who knew her in some way.
As I wrote in my last blog that I was featured in a TV show Fit foodie with Chef Vikas Khanna. It was a moment I wanted to enjoy with her on my side, because she was the one who pushed me to work harder, made sure that I could get time to pursue my passion and was always proud of her mom, and I felt her presence right there with me and that she was so happy. This week show was finally uploaded on youtube.
In my grief I almost forgot everything, but it will be unfair on my part if I do not thank my readers for voting me best food blog in India by Blogadda one of the big bloggers community in India. I am so glad that Such an eminent jury found my blog worthy to be the best food blog. I am so proud and humbled that after winning Indiblogger awards for best photography blog for the same year and more so after this too. There are many very good food blogs out there but being one of the best fills me with a great sense of satisfaction that your effort has been recognized by your readers and the community.
In January when my blog was shortlisted in 5 top food blogs in India, and finally selected best in Indian food blogs on 9 Feb, she was first one who heard it from me { though she is not physically here when I finally received the trophy } but when I look back and remember the pride and satisfaction on her face, it makes me smile.
In past few days read a lot, friends suggested me many books and also few recommendations I read on Indianhomemaker's blog here . It feels so strange but it is true, you draw strength from someone who has been there. Because you know that they have gone through it, and still going on, and sometimes they smile too, it gives you hope.
Last week I started to read The year of Magical thinking by Joan Didion. It felt so similar in some ways, especially the reason ventricular fibrillation which unlike atrial fibrillation gives you no time to react, your life changes in instant one moment you are talking and planning for future and next moment It was so hard to go through it so I stopped midway till I find energy to finish reading what I started.
Another book that I read this weekend was comforting and says something that we have been hearing all our lives, but it gives you some reasons and explanations about the things. Few of my facebook friends recommended to read The law of spirits by Khorsheed Bhavnagari {who herself lost her two sons in an accident}. It was another perspective to look at the things, 'the big picture' as they say.
This week I and Ajit went out for dinner alone, nothing fancy but a casual restaurant in the neighborhood, two of my friends visited to spend a day with me, we chatted a lot cribbed about many things and remembered good time spent together and they took me and elder teen out for lunch. It was such a normal day, yes sometimes a normal day is all you desire, and are thankful for it. Because next day being Saturday it brought back same pain same emptiness and same how I am going to live like this.
It is surprising that how each day is different from other, Sunday however was not as painful as Saturday was, spent major part of the morning looking after the plants she planted, and added few more plants and seedlings in the balcony and It was peaceful once again. Once again a normal day, yes I do accept the fact that we have to create a new normal{ As someone very dear to me said "After Agreya your life will not be same again, you have lost what was a normal day for you forever. Now you have to create new normal where she is not physically present with you, but will be looking at you from above and being happy that my family is normal once again" .
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