The Days are Passing and Life Goes On ...

It's been one and half month and not a single moment when Agreya was not on my mind. First few days have been most difficult ones, the time when I had more anger towards God... Why us? She had already had her share of bad things {with 2 open heart and 3 bypass procedures along with all those angiographies and those hundred of blood tests. It was hardly a life which anyone who was 15 years deserved still she was one of the happiest and most positive person around {not saying this because she was my daughter, even her Doctors used to wonder about same, on many occasions they told us she is such an happy child to take all this pain in her stride}.

When she was present physically with us in this world, she was the strength behind all my endeavors . In my weakest of the moments she would say Toh fir kya hua¦Sab theek ho jaega {what's big deal¦ Everything will be alright}. How I wish to hear those words once again... I know everything won't be same again.

As I read this book You Can Heal Your Heart Louise Hay and David Kessler, I find this quote absolutely true,The person you were has forever changed. A part of the old you died with your loved one, but a part of your loved one lives on in the new you. This can be a holy transition instead of a lose-lose frame of mind.

At home we are still struggling with grief, Hubs and elder teen have started their routine, as my counselor advised us go back to our everyday routine. I am still struggling because she was major part of my everyday routine.

I am reading a lot, trying to learn from wisdom of those who have been through it, and those who are learned and enlightened. I am reading Bhagvad Gita { for first time and wonder why I never did it before}, A friend keeps discussing quotes from Holy Quran and in general I have read few books from Dr Brian Weiss series and also planning to read some more which were suggested to me by my facebook friends. I have almost read all the posts on Indianhomemaker's blog and that gives me some strength.Â Everyday it is same struggle, but somehow all I do is just put one foot in front of other and go on...

Fortunately I have more friends who believe in standing by me rather than giving me space to heal. A wonderful family and good friends are helping me to go through this worst phase of life. In fact last weekend upon one of my good friends loving insistence I have been to a get together at Punjab grill, could not stay there for long but I made an attempt.

After so many days I picked up the camera and clicked photos of my balcony garden which is very special to me, because this is last thing we did together. Almost a week before she left us, Agreya asked Ajit to bring some flowers for her and suddenly she decided that she wanted to have a balcony garden. When Ajit asked who will tend to those flowers and her garden she promised she will. She forgot, but Ajit did not; upon his return from court, he was back with many flower pots in her favorite polka dot patterns along with a person to fix those pots on the balcony grill.

We both were busy planting saplings procured from a nearby nursery, who knew that she would not see the garden in the bloom. But still this is the place where I spent most peaceful time everyday; somehow I feel her presence around me when I am here.

In the month of December I was asked to shoot recipes for a TV program for foodfood channel , she was more excited than me and was so happy for the fact that Mom will be on TV. Yesterday When it finally Aired on TV , she was not there to watch what could have been a special moment if she was with us. I cried a lot , but at the same time strangely I felt her presence beside me and felt that she was happy too.

A photograph during shoot in December, When I see this now I feel I may never be able to laugh with this abandon in my life after her , because she was the one who was my happiness.

I know this is a food blog and sometimes it feels awkward to share sad moments of my life , but since this is about very important person in my life who was and will always be a part of who I am, so felt like sharing it with all my readers here.